Monday, March 15, 2010

A Day in the Life

I can't finish the true story yet because I still don't know how it comes out, so in the meantime, pace my secret lover Sierra, here's a day in the life of Travener:

6:30 a.m. - Get up.
6:31 a.m. - Make coffee. Take HBP meds. Go get newspaper in rain. Get coffee, take newspaper outside, drink coffee, smoke three (3) cigarettes, read newspaper front section.
7:00 a.m. - Call upstairs for son to get up, get dressed for middle school.
7:01 a.m. - Return outside, drink second cup of coffee, smoke two (2) cigarettes, finish newspaper.
7:15 a.m. - Yell upstairs for son to get his ass out of bed, already.
7:20 a.m. - Tell son to change the shirt he's been wearing for three days and remind him he needs to brush his hair.
7:21 a.m. - Log on to computer, check: e-mail, NYT, do NYT sudoku.
7:45 a.m. - Drive son to middle school.
8:00 a.m. - Call upstairs for daughter to get up, get dressed for elementary school.
8:05 a.m. - Take second section of paper and third cup of coffee outside. Smoke two (2) cigarettes. Do NYT crossword puzzle.
8:20 a.m. - Yell upstairs for daughter to get her ass out of bed already.
8:25 a.m. - Remind daughter that it's still winter and she will need to wear socks to school.
8:26 a.m. - Check Daily Kos, Andrew Sullivan. Log on to BigL. Check Absolute Write for the hell of it. Check the Daily Beast, Politico.
8:55 a.m. - Drive daughter to elementary school.
9:05 a.m. - Check e-mail. Check Blogger Dashboard. Make snide comments on blogs, as appropriate.
9:50 a.m. - Eat daily complement of Dark Green Vegetable (spinach).
9:55 a.m. - Check e-mail.
10:00 a.m. - Go downstairs and get on exercise cycle while watching whatever DVD's in from Netflix (this week: Ken Burns' The West).
10:45 a.m. - Return upstairs, make green tea. Take vitamins and fish-oil capsules.
11:00 a.m. - Check e-mail.
11:01 a.m. - Go outside, drink green tea, read, smoke one (1) cigarette.
11:15 a.m. - Check e-mail.
11:16 a.m. - 2:00 p.m. - Some combination of read, write, check e-mail, watch CNN, garden, mow lawn, do home maintenance, pay bills, worry about paying bills, talk to spousal unit (if she's up), go to grocery store, clean clothes, clean house, once in a blue moon meet a friend for coffee.
2:00 p.m. - Hardball with Chris Matthews.
2:45 p.m. - Pick up son from middle school.
2:55 p.m. - Check e-mail.
3:00 p.m. - Go outside, read, smoke one (1) cigarette.
3:15 p.m. - Tell son to get ready for tae kwon do.
3:20 p.m. - Remind son to get ready for tae kwon do.
3:30 p.m. - Take son, pick up daughter from elementary school.
3:45 p.m. - Deliver child units to tae kwon do.
3:46 p.m. - Pick up grande decaf Sumatra Clover Brewed coffee at Starbucks.
3:47 - 4:29 p.m. - Read, drink coffee, smoke three (3) cigarettes.
4:30 p.m. - Pick up child units from tae kwon do.
4:45 p.m. - Check e-mail.
4:46 p.m. - Settle argument between child units over who gets to go on the Internet first. Demand proof they have no homework.
4:50 p.m. - Read, smoke one (1) cigarette.
5:00 - 6:00 p.m. - Get and open mail, try to figure what to make child units for dinner, read, smoke one (1) cigarette.
6:00 p.m. - Make dinner for child units. Settle argument over whose turn it is to set table. Wind up setting table myself.
6:20 p.m. - Serve dinner. Respond to son's complaint by reminding him he doesn't have to eat potatoes if he doesn't want to.
7:00 p.m. - Go to Girl Scout meeting with daughter.
8:00 p.m. - Kick son off computer, check e-mail.
8:01 p.m. - American Idol, whether I want it or not.
8:45 p.m. - Smoke one (1) cigarette.
8:46 p.m. - Remind son that tonight for sure he has to shampoo his hair and cut his nails.
9:00 p.m. - Send son to bed, reminding him that tonight for sure he has to shampoo his hair and cut his nails.
9:01 p.m. - Read, smoke two (2) cigarettes.
9:30 p.m. - Check to see if son is out of shower yet.
9:31 p.m. - Tell daughter to log off computer and go to bed.
9:35 p.m. - Remind daughter to log off the computer and go to bed already.
9:38 p.m. - Tell daughter to get off the damn computer now I mean it now.
9:59 p.m. - Check if daughter is out of bath yet.
10:00 p.m. - Seinfeld.
10:10 p.m. - Call upstairs for daughter to get out of shower and into bed.
10:20 p.m. - Greet spousal unit returning from "work."
10:30 p.m. - Call upstairs for everyone to turn their lights off.
10:31 p.m. - Seinfeld.
10:35 p.m. - Call upstairs for everyone to turn their lights off now I mean it now.
11:00 p.m. - Check e-mail.
11:01 p.m. - Sleep.


  1. Your kids sound just like me. I have not put on a pair of socks in about a week.

  2. Well, I wrote a comment which didn't go through, bc hubs bought a new router in an attempt to makes the laptop wireless and now my connection is all jacked up.

    Mostly, I just said:

    I didn't realize you shared my love of nicotine, what the hell does "work" mean as it relates to the spousal unit and why do you get to stay home and do crossword puzzles and play taxi to the kidlets?

  3. Ha. This was great. A day in the life. I have to say I'm impressed you don't check e-mail as often as I do.:) LOL. And, like me, you drink a lot of coffee. Coffee is the love of my life.:) I've seen a few people do this in their blogs and I have been meaning to. Fun post!

  4. I got a chuckle out of this, thanks.

  5. What the..... Why do you get to stay home and drink coffee and read newspapers and do crossword puzzles and run the kids around?? Huh?

    I must say, this was pretty funny and I read every word. Pretty funny guy. But you left out something, didn't you??
    Where's the sending out new querys??
    Oh...maybe that is part of your 11:16am to 2:00pm routine. OK then.

    I'm just jealous.

  6. With the amount of stuff you get done in one day, you quite put me to shame. Oh, except the smoking. I can beat you on that one.


  7. What a very interesting life you lead. True writer indeed :)

  8. I have GOT to start scheduling time for snide comments. No WONDER I have been so freaking nice lately

  9. Why don't I have a snide comment? I feel so unfulfilled now.

  10. LOVE. IT.

    Some questions: why didn't you check email when you got up at 6:30? I totally do, albeit on my phone.

    Do you willingly get up at 6:30???

    Are boys that age really as funky as I suspect they are? Is that what I have to look forward to!

    What does your wife do for work?

  11. Amber, Yvonne -- You too can stay home and take care of the kidlets if you first work more than two decades of hard, 6-hour days for the Very Important Organization and take early retirement. Financially this is not necessarily a good move, depending on your spousal unit's "work" success.

    Amber, Sierra - The spousal unit is a real estate agent, a career she chose to enter, giving up her job in property management, just in time for the collapse of the housing market and onset of the Great Recession. Much of the "work" takes place in the evening trolling for clients, though it rather seems to involve a lot of solitary cocktail drinking, from my perspective.

    Tina Lynn -- I am always happy to be snide to you. I will try to be more accomodating in the future.

    Sierra -- I don't know about other teenage boys, though I suspect they are funky as well, if not quite so funky as my son.

    Any other Q's?

  12. Oh, and Sierra -- No, I don't get up voluntarily at 6:30, but that's the latest I can get up and still get enough coffee in me in order to get the boy to school on time. Also, I need coffee in me before I can face the e-mail, in case there's a rejection in there.

    Plus, "accommodate" has two m's.

  13. Man alive! What detail! You must write down everything you do. And look, you've inspired me to use two exclamation points.

  14. Dude, I cant remember what I did 5 minutes ago.

    Great post.
    I'll be back!


  15. Jesus. It's like reading Hunter S. Thompson's schedule. Except without all the Chivas.

    Solitary cocktail drinking is a noble art. You need to be more supportive.

  16. holy crap travener, the fact that you can even put this all together in a cohesive chronological list astounds me.

    you're hilarious.

    you should've been published yesterday.

    best of luck with everything, friend. :)

  17. This was great. A day in the life. I have to say I'm impressed you don't check e-mail as often as I do :)